I need a moment. I've been a little sad feeling the past week or so. I couldn't figure it out. Hormone's? Depression? The weather?
Last night I was watching yet another documentary about 9/11. I've been doing it just about every night. The children born after 9/11 who had lost their father, the heroic man who had seen it coming, the air traffic controllers trying to get a handle on things, the people who were stuck in the elevators. Every day a new television show on the History Channel, National Geographic, Good Morning America.
Everyday a new show and everyday I was crying tears of sadness for these people who I didn't know and will never probably meet.
It dawned on me last night - these shows are affecting me and my daily life. I am sad.
Remember when you were young and the adults around you would have these discussions about where they were when President Kennedy was shot? I was one so I can say that I was home and it didn't really affect me. Then a while ago the conversation changed to where were you when the space shuttle exploded. I was on my way to a doctor appointment. I was about midway through my pregnancy with Brittney who is now 20. I stopped afterward at my friend's house to watch the news for the rest of the day. It was shocking and sad.
This is a little different for me. This is sad to my bones. Five years later and I still cry when I think of it. I was on my way to a religion class with Maggie in the car. She was seven months old. I heard about the first tower before I left home and thought that it was just a bad accident. That a small private plane had gone out of control or something and off I went. About halfway to Ann Arbor I heard the second tower was hit and then I knew what was happening. On to my class and then to McDonald's afterward where I watched the second tower fall on live TV.
The TV was on at our house for the next week almost 24 hours a day while the news media repeated the same tired information over and over and we watched horrified every time they replayed the tapes. I nursed the baby and watched. Then there were the closeups of the people jumping, the people covered in dust so it looked like science fiction, the hoards of people crossing the bridge on foot. I cried.
I'm still crying.
I won't be watching any more shows about 9/11 this year. My children need me to be their mother. My husband needs me to be his wife. They don't need me going into a depression I can do something about.
I'll be happy when tomorrow is over. I think we'll watch Noggin all day. Maybe a couple of rentals. I want to stop feeling sad. I think Little Bear can help me with that.